Today let’s take a quick look at communicating with children. Good communication leads to warm relationships, cooperation, and feelings of worth – all those qualities we long to experience. There are many ways to foster this closeness in communication, but let’s begin by addressing the simple act of communicating with children to give them information about what is happening and then talking with other adults.
Communicating with children to let them know what is going on.
Talk to your infants. Tell them you love them. Tell them you are leaving if you are going to be away for awhile; reassure them that you will return. When you cannot comfort a crying infant after you have changed, fed, burped and tried all the methods that worked with your other children or those of your friends, tell the infant something similar to this: “I love you. I have done everything I can think of to make you comfortable. Now I need a break, so I am going to put you in your bed where you will be safe while I sit in the other room and listen to the stereo and read a book. I will be back in a little while.” Then put the child in his crib and take a break.
Communicating with children so they are prepared for what is going to happen.
Eliminate surprises. Tell them you are going out and the babysitter is coming. Prepare them for going to school. Where are they going? Who will be there? What will they do? During the seemingly eternal hours spent in a car driving from place to place, review the events of the day with your children and plan the evening and next day. No surprises for your older children and your adolescents either. Tell them they have a dentist or doctor appointment ahead of time so they have time to deal with their feelings. If they need tutoring, or therapies, such as speech or vision, tell them why the help is needed. Traumatic events, such as serious illnesses or death need to be discussed also. Whether they concern family, friends or pets, inform your children of the news and discuss it with them.
Do not be afraid to answer “why” questions. You may not notice but you are creating trust when communicating with children with respect. Often we assume our children know why we make certain decisions, do particular activities, when they may have no idea at all, or the wrong idea. Communicating with children, answering their questions and guide them through their learning years. Children know at some level of consciousness when something is happening, be it serious or not so serious, and the conclusions they may form without the facts can be wrong and have long lasting effects.
A couple of works of caution: Children don’t need “all the gory details.” There are points to consider when communicating with children. Be conscious of the developmental stage of your children when you talk to them. Very young children can deal with only a limited amount of information at a time and need concrete examples; older children can handle a larger amount and more abstract information. The second caution concerns the type of information presented to our children. Adult information needs to stay with adults and often if we are single parents or having difficulty with our spouses, we are tempted to tell our children things that we would tell a spouse or friend – how many times the support check has not arrived on time or at all, difficulty we are having closing escrow on a new house, even the information that one spouse wants to pick up a child at a different time than usual is often communicated to the child instead of between the parents. We need to be sure that we give our children the sense of being protected by the adults in their lives – protection that they long for and need even though they would tell us with their dying breath that they need no such thing. In talking with our children we need to give them the sense that we are in charge and will protect and care for them.
Then we need to LISTEN to our children – but that is a subject for another day. Every parent should know that communicating with children is important. This month do something really good for yourself and call it a present –
Shared by Marge Hicke, MFT
- Marge Hicke, MFT, Share another great article on parenting.
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Communicating with children is one effective way to discipline and to let them know they are loved.
